Love me Tinder, Love me True

Have you ever seen these crazy advertisements gone wrong.  The product is in the picture but the message is all wrong – so wrong.







If you are having trouble making the right connection on Tinder or any other dating site, it might be for the same reason – the message is all wrong and when it comes to online dating, the medium is the message and the message is key.

DisclaimerThis post is written to the older gents – those in the 46-55+ bracket (which is as high as the settings go)  and  is based on my not inconsiderable experience with Tinder.  Much of this probably applies to both genders and most age groups but I can only go with what I know.

Here are some suggestions of what not to put in your profile.


Fish! You guys sure love your fish.  From my vantage point, 60% of the men on Tinder post pictures of themselves holding a fish.  What am I to surmise from this? That you ” fish I’d go on a date with you”. Or maybe you are hoping I’ll be thinking “Hey baby, can I touch your fish, can I stroke it?” Or maybe there are a zillion single guys looking for a fishing partner.  I don’t know but I don’t fish so not a winner for me.

Hard living – many of you have either done some damned hard living or you are lying about your age.  I am endlessly surprised by how old you 52 year olds look. You boys need some sleep and good food!  On the plus side you are using recent pictures so good for you!  Honesty really is the best policy.  If a younger woman wants to date you, your age won’t matter.

tinder-solThe comfort of one’s own skin – Many of you want us to know that you are ‘comfortable in your own skin’ or that you are looking for a woman who is comfortable in hers.   Yes, I know it means you are self confident and/or you want a confident woman but there’s always that nagging Silence of the Lambs thing in my head.  Who else’s skin would you or I be in?  Amiright?

Main pic of you in a mask – pretty much screams “serial killer”. See above.

tinder-br-selfie  Half Naked : Hey – nice abs (sometimes, sometimes not so much)  If you are very vain or just in it for a hookup please leave those pictures up.   And do I even need to mention mirror selfies in the bathroom?  NO!!  just no. Ew.  I don’t even know you so I do not want to be in the bathroom with you in any way, shape or form.  Don’t do it!



Pictures of your thinly clad junk – Whoa!  Only the well endowed do this so thanks for the reminder that there are giant sausages to hide but surely there’s more to you than that.  NTTAWWT but most of us need a little brains to go with that brawn.    Come on – say something witty to go with all that swinging meat.   Fortunately I have yet to see unclad junk on Tinder although I have been sent dick pics. Please don’t do that – not a turn on.

Those hunky college pics – Many of you post pictures of yourself as a youngster, a hunky 20 something, a boy in short pants, an Eagle Scout, a super cool college dude.   Hey baby, you WERE hot.   So was I.  Days gone by, bro.  Live with it and if you can’t live with it then you clearly have a vanity problem.  Not attractive.

 tinder-bassYour face and only your face – If you post only a picture of your face and have nothing to say about yourself then I’m going to figure there’s nothing to say.  Not your strongest opener.  Very effective if you are just looking for a hookup, though.  It’s all about that face, ’bout that face, ’bout that face.  Make sure yours is good enough to pull in that right swipe.

Where have I heard that before?  “glass half full”, ” or “everything X has to offer” be it life, nature or the area you live in, or “living life to the fullest”.   Where would music be if all musicians just went with the same riff?  You can do it!  You can write something about YOU!  And if you can’t you can hire someone who can.

And what about once you’ve got a match? What then? 

Otinder-matchne Word Opener –  Sending a woman who swiped you back a message that says “Hi”  or “Hi cutie” or “Hey there lovely” is a very strong indication that you  are  very lazy and a guy who is too lazy to format a reasonable email is probably really lazy in bed. Don’t be that guy.
The Interrodate™- You know  the one where you grill each other right out of the gate about your former relationships, how long have been single, do you get along with your ex, how many kids do you have, what kind of a relationship are you looking for, blah, blah blah…..  It’s tedious and invasive and makes dating a chore akin to a job interview.  If you met someone at a party and thought you might like to get to know her you would not likely rip off your shirt, whip out your fish and ask her a lot of personal questions.   Make life a party!  Talk about what you like to do for fun, a movie you’ve seen recently that you liked, tell a joke and see if she laughs.  Figure out if you are intellectual equals, if you like each other’s sense of humor.  You can get to the gritty stuff later.

In the meantime, keep on fishin’.


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And then I forgot

I forgot all about this. I finally got to the East Coast and then I was here and so happy to be playing with my grandbaby and hanging out with my baby (the pregnant one) that I forgot all about writing about how grateful I am for love and health and family.

I’m glad I engaged in this exercise. Many things were bumming me out and taking a toll on my outlook on life but thinking about the good things, the upside, the great, good fortune I’ve had in life, made it so much better. I can say with 100% assurance, that although I don’t have everything I want, I have more than enough and that’s something to be grateful for


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Days 23 and 24 – 30 Days of Gratitude

I’ve fallen behind again. I had a brilliant inspiration for something to write and then it left me.

These last couple of days have been frustrating but I really am glad I am home and not stuck in an airport or some crappy hotel somewhere, eating vending machine food. I should get out tomorrow.

Right now I’m grateful for babies who blow their due dates by a big margin. Much needed right now.

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Day 22 – 30 Days of Gratitude

I’m still trying to get to the East Coast.  Today was my day!  Only then they cancelled my flight from Chicago to RDU😦  They aren’t cancelling all flights – just a few.  Mine was one of them.

So – here are the silver linings:

  • I’m at home, not stuck at an airport
  • I don’t have to get in a cab after midnight and hope the driver can handle icy roads really well
  • Daughter is still pregnant
  • I didn’t end up stuck in Chicago or any other city
  • I have a flight tomorrow on Delta – an airline that isn’t afraid of a little weather.
  • The roads will be nice and dry by tomorrow night
  • I can watch Downton Abby tonight



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Day 22 – 30 Days of Gratitude

All parents know the feeling of utter failure – the certainty that someone should come take your parenting license away IMMEDIATELY, because you suck and you have no business raising children.  You yelled at your kid or you can’t stop the bullies or you forgot to send a check to school for the field trip or you made the wrong kind of cookies or you couldn’t get it together to make the weekend super fun or you couldn’t keep your child from getting sick or you let your kid slide on manners or…or…or… so many things. So many ways to fail.  But then something happens and you get a hug and kiss and an “I love you, Mama” or, better yet, someone tells you about a wonderful, compassionate thing your child did and you are reminded that maybe you don’t suck so bad after all.

And then the teen years arrive and you are, unequivocally, the biggest idiot on the face of the earth. Your teen makes sure you know that on a daily basis and you suck it up, and keep smiling and wait for the day when the kid gets past that stage. And it happens.  And there you are, with an adult relationship and it is different but it is good and entirely lacking in the messy kiss, sweetness of the relationship you had when your child was very young.

Last night my very adult, very pregnant daughter had a minor panic attack.  She lives on the Eastern Seaboard and the snow was falling, the rain was freezing and the plows were nowhere in sight.  She was really terrified that she might go in to labor and not be able to get out – and she called her Mama.  Her husband was right there, assuring her that everything would be okay but she still needed to call her Mama and cry and get get some motherly love and reassurance that the world wouldn’t let her down.  I felt sad for her in her panic (and maybe a wee worried, myself) but I have to admit that still being needed as a Mama is a beautiful thing and I love it.  Doesn’t happen a lot once the kids grow up so when it does I am reminded that I did a good job raising my kids and that I was and continue to be a source of love and strength for them.  And for that, I am most grateful.

She’s still pregnant and the plows still haven’t come but they will, and I will get there and every little thing is gonna be all right.

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Day 21 – 30 Days of Gratitude

I had a little trouble getting into gratitude mode yesterday as my plans to get to the east coast got tanked by weather.  I should be almost there right this minute but, as it is, I won’t be there until after midnight on Sunday – boo.  There’s a baby on the way and I’m needed!!

So there’s that – there’s a baby on the way!  My extended family will grow by 1 and there’s no reason to think that this little girl won’t be 100% perfect.  Modern medicine has already assessed her and things are looking good!  A birthing center is lined up, mid-wives are standing by and a miracle is about to happen. If you’ve ever studied physiology you know just how miraculous growing a new person is.  A lot of very subtle operations have to act in concert starting with 2 cells joining forces and mitosis setting in. Cell differentiation, growth, incubation – the whole 9 yards is enough to make me believe in God – or something.  John Gardner wrote something about the bump and grind of random molecules once – I can’t quite remember what; but it’s more than that.  And it’s happening – and I get to share in that.  All I have to do is get there!  I will… just not as soon as I had hoped.

baby emoji


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Day 20 – 30 Days of Gratitude

When I was in high school I decided to take a year off, work, earn money and go to Europe and that’s what I did. At the age of 19 I set out, all by myself, knowing absolutely nothing and flew to Paris.  My Mom was worried enough that she arranged for me to room with a young woman from my home town but other than that I was clueless.  I didn’t know about student passes, youth hostels, nothing.

I was a mess in my teens, wracked with low self esteem, addle brained from smoking too much pot and poisoned with an inky self loathing that drove my posture and the way I entered a room.  When I got to Europe I realized that no one knew me, no one was aware of the circumstances of my life that had buried my ego in humiliation and disgust – I was almost reborn.  I could see my life almost literally from 6,000 miles away and that distance provided a fulcrum against which I could measure the validity of those things that weighed me down.  It was a beautiful thing.

It’s taken me 40 years to properly crawl out from under that dung heap but I mostly feel like I’m there.  However, as of late there have been some circumstances in my life that have weighed me down.  I’ve had issues with my job, yet another heartbreak this last summer and a not entirely successful bout of trying to figure out ‘what next’.

Friday I am heading to the east coast, leaving my house  and dog in the capable hands of 2 people and spending 3 weeks with my daughter and her family that will grow by 1 any time after I get there (that’s the plan).  After 3 weeks of basking in the joy of my daughter and her babies and their Daddy, I will head to tropical paradise to unwind for a week, both in and out of the water; on top and below.

It isn’t quite like the time I went to Europe when I was a shell of who I am today but it bears some similarity.  I’m looking forward to a change of venue, to a break from the never ending task of searching for my life partner and to the opportunity to reevaluate and reset.  I don’t when last  I escaped the bonds of my day to day life for a whole month but it’s time, and it’s going to be great.



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