This morning I awoke to the sound of my cat horking on my freshly washed down comforter. It was just liquid hork so it could have been worse but I could have skipped it all the same. A couple of hours after I got up my daughter exclaimed, “Oh No!” as the dog horked on the family room carpet. The dog had just eaten an entire bowl of food so this was major horkage – a big steamy pile. In the early afternoon as I was putting honey in my tea my daughter picked up the bottle and said, “Mom, did you know that this is a bottle of bee vomit?”

I think there is a message in here somewhere but I’m not sure I want to know what it is.

If you just keep your eyes open and your ears clear of wax you can learn something new every day. Today I was looking at what search strings had brought people to my blog when my eyes fell on tingle condom site:blogspot.com. These things really exist. I had no idea being as I’m not having sex these days and, at the rate things are going will never again have sex with a man.

If I did get lucky I’m not sure I’d want to enhance my experience with that sort of minty freshness. First of all they are apparently green. A penis coated in green doesn’t really get my juices flowing in spite of the marketing blurb on the box that says “Bright, vivid color enhances the experience”. For me it brings to mind those barrel shaped jars of giant pickles you see in the Deli and I don’t really like pickles. Second of all minty tingling vaginal walls? I don’t know…. I’m not excited. In fact, I have visions of Icy Hot up the cooch and the vista is not pleasant. It looks like me, naked, dancing around screaming “Oh my God – it burns! it burns! Make it stop!!!” Now I might think that those little goodies would make certain oral acts more pleasurable if it weren’t for the matter of the lubricant. A mouth full of minty K-Y? I’m not convinced that this constitutes sensual as my only experience with mint jelly is putting it on lamb. I am now a vegetarian and even if I weren’t I don’t think I would eat lamb or veal.

To summarize – minty tingle condoms make me think of giant pickles, a burning cooch, and Easter, a holiday that always freaked me out if I really thought about Jesus and his nail bloodied extremities rising up out of the ground.

So what am I missing? Can someone please tell me?

The vast majority of the hits on this site come from some cretin looking up the words “F***” and “Mom” and it just grosses me out. I figure if I quit using that word then creepy people searching for that combination will end up elsewhere – and that’s a good thing.

http://www.thehollywoodliberal.com/2005/11/110905-when-you-lose-you-lose-alone.html

http://www.thehollywoodliberal.com/2005/11/110905-when-you-lose-you-lose-alone.html

Last night I had book group. I live for book group. The most studly, richest, most perfect man in the world could not convince me to skip book group – really (unless he waved a pair of tickets to Tahiti under my nose. That might work). There were only 5 out of a possible 13 participants but it mattered not. In fact, it was kind of nice. We are all strong, loud women so if you get us all together we tend to yell over the top of each other getting louder and more insistent with every glass of wine.

Last night we managed to talk to each other for the most part. Not about the book, really although we did give it a short chunk of the night (The Mermaid Chair – meh). Mostly we talked about us; about our relationships, our lives, our kids, our needs, our pain, our dreams, politics, losing kids, losing parents, food – you know. No topic is off limits and no one is short of opinions. We drink, we talk, we fall in love with each other.

There is a reason men worry about becoming marginalized. They just aren’t half as interesting as women nor are they as capable. In fact, I might go so far as to say they have a very specific use and if they would just shut their yaps and stick with the program the world would be a better place. Not really – but when I’m fresh out of book group that’s just about how I feel.

His match.com profile says “I love to read”. Huh?? He claims he just read the Da Vinci Code (it seems everyone in the world but me has read it) and he loved it because it explored controversial topics about religion and society. He also claims to read the daily newspaper.

hmmm…. what to do? Actually I am planning on seeing him at least one more time. There is some possibility that he is shy or something plus I need to get to the bottom of his divorce story – it is very odd. However, if I have to drag a conversation out of him one more time or if we can’t get off boring topics I’m throwing in the towel.

I had a date tonight. It was a second meeting with the same guy – “R”. He is pleasant and attractive. I met him for coffee last weekend and in the course of a rather slow conversation he asked me what restaurants I liked and when I told him I liked Thai food he suggested we go out for Thai food soon. Alrighty, then – he might be a little prosaic but he was clearly interested in me so what the heck? I was too busy to go until tonight so tonight it was.

The place he took me to was cute and the food was good. Since this was the second outing it was time to start asking some questions. “So, what do you for fun? Read? Movies?” His response – “Don’t read but I do watch movies”. My brain froze as solid as a car door lock in an ice storm. The man doesn’t read books, or magazines or the paper. Ouch. I should have steered off into a list of movies so I could get a read on him that way but frankly I got stuck at “I don’t read”. As it turns out he is lonely and bored. He doesn’t get up until 8 AM every day and when he does get up he can’t think of anything to do to fill his life. I think I’m supposed to be excited by the fact that he can afford to live that way but honestly, I can’t quite envision happily dating someone who doesn’t have more things on his wish list of “what I’d like to do” than he has time for.

I was reminded of the periodic letters to Dear Abby from “Mr. Nice Guy” who is polite and clean and nice looking and who just can’t find a girl friend. Abby never said, “hey, have you ever considered the possibility that you are about as exciting as sap running down tree bark?” because that wouldn’t be nice and how would she know? And frankly, I hate to say anything derogatory about R – he’s a nice man. There’s just no there there. No spark, no sizzle, no shine no passion. As the evening wore on I could feel little pieces of my brain burning out like red hot ashes in an updraft as I tried furiously to find something interesting to talk about. I’m sure I could find some enjoyment spending time with him walking our dogs and going skiing but I’m equally certain I would be chronically frustrated by my inability to engage him in a meaningful conversation.

Oh well. At least he didn’t lie about his age.

Why do you suppose someone from the Netherlands would run a google search on “retarded vegetables”? Is there an indie band out there I haven’t heard of?

Someone else searched for ‘no kiss does he like me’. Probably not.

We won’t discuss the people who search for the word Mom and the word F*** in the same string – ick.

Lots of people have been searching for things related to that stupid milk commercial.

But retarded vegetable? I just don’t know.

ps- where is everybody? My ‘return visitor’ count is in the toilet. I feel so…so..so.. let down…sniffle, sniffle.

Why do you suppose someone from the Netherlands would run a google search on “retarded vegetables”? Is there an indie band out there I haven’t heard of?

Someone else searched for ‘no kiss does he like me’. Probably not.

We won’t discuss the people who search for the word Mom and the word F*** in the same string – ick.

Lots of people have been searching for things related to that stupid milk commercial.

But retarded vegetable? I just don’t know.

ps- where is everybody? My ‘return visitor’ count is in the toilet. I feel so…so..so.. let down…sniffle, sniffle.