If you just keep your eyes open and your ears clear of wax you can learn something new every day. Today I was looking at what search strings had brought people to my blog when my eyes fell on tingle condom site:blogspot.com. These things really exist. I had no idea being as I’m not having sex these days and, at the rate things are going will never again have sex with a man.

If I did get lucky I’m not sure I’d want to enhance my experience with that sort of minty freshness. First of all they are apparently green. A penis coated in green doesn’t really get my juices flowing in spite of the marketing blurb on the box that says “Bright, vivid color enhances the experience”. For me it brings to mind those barrel shaped jars of giant pickles you see in the Deli and I don’t really like pickles. Second of all minty tingling vaginal walls? I don’t know…. I’m not excited. In fact, I have visions of Icy Hot up the cooch and the vista is not pleasant. It looks like me, naked, dancing around screaming “Oh my God – it burns! it burns! Make it stop!!!” Now I might think that those little goodies would make certain oral acts more pleasurable if it weren’t for the matter of the lubricant. A mouth full of minty K-Y? I’m not convinced that this constitutes sensual as my only experience with mint jelly is putting it on lamb. I am now a vegetarian and even if I weren’t I don’t think I would eat lamb or veal.

To summarize – minty tingle condoms make me think of giant pickles, a burning cooch, and Easter, a holiday that always freaked me out if I really thought about Jesus and his nail bloodied extremities rising up out of the ground.

So what am I missing? Can someone please tell me?