Dear Dinah,

I notice we are having some issues lately and I’d like to address them before I have any more thoughts about permanently locking you out of the house. This is happening with alarming frequency so I think we need to comes to terms.

1). You know that thing you do where you monopolize my lap the second I sit down and then you purr as a stroke your head and then all of a sudden and without warning you turn viscously and bite my hand? I hate that. I really do. I’m sorry about forcibly tossing you to the floor but it hurts. Cut it out or you may soon find yourself taking flying lessons.

2). Yes, you are cute. When you find a sunny spot and stretch out and go to sleep with your teeny little pink tongue between your teeth – adorable. It does not, however give you free rein to bite me – ever. Note open warning about flying lessons.

3). You are fat. I will not feed you any sooner or any more just because you are yowling incessantly. This goes triple for 6 AM Sunday morning. Not.gonna.happen.

4). The litter box. I got a nice big one for you to make things easy so when you poop could you please finish in the box? I know you are a little skitterish but this is a very safe house so there’s really no need to jump out prematurely and leave a little present on the bathroom floor. You can do the whole thing in the litter box and really, I wish you would. Every time.

5). The bath mat. I know it is greenish and soft but it isn’t meant for you to pee on. Would you like to know how much I dislike stepping on a wet spot on the bath mat and realizing that it isn’t water? Never mind – I’m thinking about flying lessons again. In any case, please refer to point #4. It’s all about the litter box.

6). Your dirty butt. You are a cat – you are supposed to be clean. If you have a messy time of it in the litter box you are supposed to clean yourself up. Trust me when I tell you this would be far more efficient than you leaving skid marks on my bedspread and then licking them. That doesn’t even work and I’m spending too much time doing laundry. Just lick your butt – it’s what cats do.

So next time you feel like peeing on the bath mat, pooping on the bathroom floor, biting me or yowling for food just stop. How about you just go spoon with the dog, instead?