Today THE PLAN called for a 15 mile run. I got off to a little bit of a late start (that phrase is too, too familiar!) but did manage to head out at 7AM to run the same trail Jeanne and I ran when she was here visiting. That part was fine. As I got to the parking lot I saw a couple of running groups assembling – chatting and stretching. Not too far along the path they passed me and then it happened – the doubt crept in to my head.

“What am I doing out here?”
“Why am I doing this?”
“Who am I trying to kid?”
“What makes me think I can pull this off?”
“Why do I even want to do this”?

I was only at mile 2 or so and so I decided to chalk it up to the whiner within who always accompanies me on those first few miles. Only today it wouldn’t stop. I kept going and kept hoping I would feel better. I had prepared better and was carrying Cliff Shot Bloks (the new gel block on the fly nutrition – deserves its own review) as well as a pack of Gu. I left the electrolyte drink behind because those always make me sick. I hoped that my nutritional preparation would help me keep my energy up.

The good part of the run is that I had loaded Richard Wright’s Clara Callan on my shuffle and it is a great book. That man was a great writer and such a remarkable progressive. But I digress.

I got to the end of the trail where there is a water fountain and a restroom but I didn’t need the restroom and that was a bit of a worry. By then (8 miles in) I should have but oh well. I ate a couple of Cliff Shots, filled up the water, took a salt tablet and headed back, happy that I would running mostly downhill.

It was okay but at about 12 miles I started to lose it. I stopped, ate a couple more shots, gave myself a pep talk and motored on but those last 3 miles were hell and the doubt lingered and my feet hurt and when I got to the end and asked myself, “could you go another 9 miles?” the answer was a very loud “NO!” so that sucked. Then I reminded myself that that’s what training is for – to get you to the point where you can run 26.2 and it doesn’t just happen over night and please quit being such a drama queen.

But the doubt was powerful and it really sapped me. I just have to remember that there are bad runs and there are good runs and what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. On the plus side my ear is feeling much better. If only there were antibadruns that worked as well as antibiotics.

My splits:

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7 Responses to Trashed

  1. Stillwater Heron says:

    Glad your ear is feeling better!Hey, I think you did great.I’m a 12 minute gal myself and know all about the inner whiner..The struggle to keep going when I hate what I’m doing is intense and I think it’s the mental part that’s the battlefield not what’s going on with my body.Your right, there are good and bad runs and sometimes great ones.That great one for you is just around the next bend in the road!Way to gut it out!

  2. jeanne says:

    Do I see an 8:06 mile there at the end??Not such a sucky run after all, in terms of numbers. But that mental voice can be hard to shake. Be proud that you pulled it off. I think you did great too.

  3. WADDLER26.2 says:

    Great job! I had one of those runs last weekend and switched from a 10 to an 8 miler. I thought I was the only one with those doubts out there!

  4. David says:

    All that was expected of you was to put in the miles. That’s the training plan, right? Mission accomplished. You’ll recover tomorrow and be ready again on Tuesday. Sure as shootin’.

  5. Lisa says:

    We all have doubts, but you finished. Great job and kudos to you for sticking it out!!

  6. Fe-lady says:

    Oh those demons in your head as you run/bike/swim…I just keep in mind that everyone has them from time to time, and sometimes we beat them, sometimes they take over.The tricky part is to get past them all the time…!Kudos to your long run… (my long one at the moment is half yours! Pushing out my demons…!)

  7. runnergirl says:

    You did it and that’s what counts! Some runs ar just about getting the miles in. I’m interested to hear what you thought of the Shot Bloks.

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