Life Gets Tough but You Can’t Be a Hater

I did a ‘century’ ride on Saturday (The Motherlode Century – great ride) . My intention was to ride the 94 mile version but things happen and that wasn’t one of them.

This ride had a lot of climbing – a LOT of climbing. It was hot.  The people I was with dropped me.  I got into a very bad spin cycle in which I flushed myself down the crapper emotionally, spiritually and mentally.  The route looks like this:

 

elevation 64 mi

The elevation map for the metric century part of the Motherlode Century

I got to that arrow  and then cried Uncle when someone said the climb out of the gorge was at 12% – 15%.  I just couldn’t hack the load.  So I got in the sag  truck with my bike and rode up to the second peak there where they had the lunch stop.  I ate, met my friends who all managed to climb that thing, and easily rode back to the start with them because they were spent and I was rested.  Maybe not easily as my legs were just screaming in pain when we had to ride  anything you could describe as ‘up’ but I kept up.   It was the best part of the day for me – almost.

The best part was sitting in the freezing cold river after the ride and then getting a massage.

The worst part was how mean and nasty I was to myself on that ride.  It was the part where I was sure I had made a big mistake, that I have no business doing an Ironman, that I am old, and weak, and not worthy and I shouldn’t bother even trying. That was the darkness I leveled on myself.

Yesterday I was supposed to go for a 2 hour run. I really didn’t want to. I was pretty sure it would be awful.  It was a hot, hot day and so I put I off until 7 PM and then I thought – “I hate this crap; but I’ll run 30 minutes;  maybe I’ll run an hour.”

I threw myself out the door and started running and it did not suck. It did not feel terrible and therefore it felt great!  I felt like Superwoman.  I felt like I could run just about forever and so I ran. Or rather I did was I was supposed to do which was run 10 minutes and walk 30 seconds. And I did it over and over and over.

I only did it for 1:25 because I ran out light and I ran out of fuel due to grabbing a caffeinated gel.  There was no way I was swallowing that thing at 8:00 PM but it was okay. I was so happy to have enjoyed my run that I didn’t worry about it.

And now I feel okay.  Now I feel like I can. And I need to remember this – I need to remember there are good days and there are bad days and there are days when I can’t live up to my own (unrealistic) expectations.  And it’s okay as long as I keep putting on the suit or the shoes and I keep trying.  It’s okay.

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4 Responses to Life Gets Tough but You Can’t Be a Hater

  1. Petra says:

    And you really can’t hate yourself. Don’t. This stuff IS hard. You will find it hard. Not always, but sometimes. Lord woman if this stuff were easy everyone would do it. They don’t. Because it isn’t easy. You will be fine. Eat the elephant one bite at a time.

  2. Tama says:

    For the record, I think you are absolutely amazing. Once I stop doing something, overcoming the inertia is next to impossible. Personally, in my eyes, you’re a winner just for giving it a go – puts you in an elite class of people who even TRY to actually LIVE their lives, instead of just sort of ENDURING them. Don’t let that nasty voice tell you otherwise – you do too belong in Ironman or anywhere else you want to be. Just remember to enjoy the heck out of the view along the way and you WIN, right?!

  3. cheryl says:

    Hey are you still swimming Sharkfest this weekend? I am SOOOO jealous! Our work schedules have totally sabotaged our open h20 swims this year. Good luck and remember WHY you are doing these things…it’s all for FUN right? Keep it light and fun and it will be ok.

  4. Juls says:

    Way to get out there and try. You *can* do it. You *are* worthy. Hugs.

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