Drop Kick Me Through My Goal Posts

Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life
End over end neither left nor to right
Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights
Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life.

Make me, oh make me, Lord more than I am
Make me a piece in your master game plan
Free from the earthly tempestion below
Iíve got the will, Lord if youíve got the toe. – Bobby Bare

I never did get the Jesus thing so I’m turning to the internets for assistance, instead. Also, I actually yearn to be less than I am, not more.

If I had a dollar for every time I wished I were in better shape I could afford a personal trainer. I could looke like Teri Hatcher – terminally too sexy for my jeans (and ever in need of a good meal). Sadly, I get nothing for my complaints (although Terri and I do have really similar boobs so there is hope, yet) . I go shopping and while trying on clothes I curse my fat butt and swear at my thighs. They look like bread dough left too long to rise and I hate them! Apparently I don’t hate them enough not to go by DQ and get a vanilla soft-serve dipped in chocolate. I also hate my jiggly triceps and yet the weights I have in my bedroom are victims of my inertia – left there to rot while I whine about my aging physique.

I think these thoughts daily: “I will just pick up the weights before I go to bed and do 3 sets of 10 french presses….. I will do some crunches…. I will NOT eat a big bowl of mac and cheese and then have a second helping – I will just eat one tiny little bowl and then have a 2nd tiny little bowl…. I will eat salad for lunch… I will not go into the pantry 42 times during the day and eat “just a couple” pita chips…. I will ignore the dried mangoes…. I will eat fruit and carrots and drink miso soup when I get hungry. Hey, it’s easy! Just commit! Just Do it!” Hell, I ran a marathon. I understand committment to a goal and yet… and yet… and yet…..

Yesterday I decided to set some real goals. Some hard goals. Goals you can count on. I’m not just banking on some fuzzy ideas – I’m setting goals with real numbers. I am going to swim on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and I’m going to run on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. I will log 6,000 yards in the pool and I will run 10 – 15 miles a week. I kicked the new plan off by resetting my alarm to 6:30 this morning and NOT getting out of bed for the 5:30 work out. Way to go.

I also would like to give myself a Christmas gift. I would like to get on the scale Christmas morning and have the needle fall unequivocally below the 130 mark (which means a weight loss of about 4 pounds). It was with this gift in mind that I ate a bowl of cashews and raisins and, since I sitting down to write this entry I’ve gone through 1/2 a bag of dried mangoes and eaten ice cream right out of the container.

Left to my own devices I quite am hopeless and that’s where you, dear readers, come in. I am declaring my intentions here and now and there will be no excuses. Help me out people – I need watch dogs! I need whips! I need tough love. I’m no good at invoking Jesus (an unfortnate side effect of not being a believer) so I’m looking to you. Kick me – hard.


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6 Responses to Drop Kick Me Through My Goal Posts

  1. jeanne says:

    Good god, 134 pounds!! You better be 4’0 to be complaining like that!Why oh why can’t we all just get along with our bodies?!?!yeah terri hatcher.. tell me you’re kidding. the women is obviously anorexic!actually you made me laugh out loud. now i want some mac and cheese and by god, i’m going home to have some~so thanks!

  2. 21st Century Mom says:

    I’m 5′ 2″ and I’m very small on top but my butt… oh my butt… It isn’t HUGE, it just isn’t small enough.Mac ‘n Cheese roolz. I didn’t say I was giving it up. I just need to get over the idea that 1 serving = 1 box.

  3. Jessica says:

    I, too, am not a believer of Jesus but I WAS a certified personal trainer for five years (and created nutritional programs for all of my clients as well). Should you need any help in the way of questions or encouragement, please let me know.

  4. jeanne says:

    well, i think you’re perfect just the way you are! (although i could easily stand to drop 10 pounds.)

  5. Just Tama says:

    I’m right there with you. My thighs – UGH! My butt – ARGH! And we won’t even begin to discuss the rolling hills of my tummy.It isn’t the *weight*. I’d be happy with 130 – if I had *tone*.Yet, every day I say, “And today! I’m going to walk the kids to school! Three miles round trip, pushing two and carrying one! Whadda workout!”And, every single day, I say, “Oh God, it’s {too cold, too warm, too far, too late} to walk this time. We’ll walk this afternoon/tomorrow!”Lather, rinse, repeat.**sigh**Hey – Discovery Health channel is doing a ‘body challenge’ thing coming up in January. the DH and I are planning to give it a try. Check it out: http://health.discovery.com/convergence/bodychallenge2006/bodychallenge2006.html?clik=netmain_feat1

  6. she falters to rise says:

    I feel your pain. It’s so much easier to think about ways to shape up than to actually shape up.

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