Grab bag day!

I have some great posts in the can, so to speak but they need work and I just don’t have any writing time at the moment. I’m training for a marathon and working and all that and what with the random, aimless web surfing and the coffee dates with friends and the going out to dinner the days just fly by.

I will do better soon – I really will.

In the meantime I will share some of today’s email with you.

My brother ended my day by sending me this thing that makes George Carlin sound like a guy who is standing on a soap box in the park yelling, “I”m a bigoted, homophobic, gun toting asshole and I’m damned proud of it!” Lovely. I hope George Carlin appreciates that Snopes has outed this piece of crap as an Urban Legend

Thank you and brother dear, how many !#@@#$ emails do I have to send you telling you to check your sources before you send this stuff around the world??!!!

Fortunately I got this tragically funny one from a friend much earlier in the day. You may need to be a Californian to appreciate it or you may just need to be moderately politically liberal – you tell me. This come unattributed:

Dear Red States...We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. (editors note - NTTAWWT)

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools,plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. (editor's note - only a Californian wouldn't know that Harvard and Yale are Ivy league but we're letting it go because we like this piece)

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University,Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed theygrow in Mexico.

Sincerely,Author Unknown in New California

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2 Responses to Grab bag day!

  1. wrnglrjan says:

    Hee. I’ve seen this, but it’s a good read again.You’re working again? Do tell!Jan

  2. Sarahlynn says:

    I wish that the statistics were more accurate. But it’s fun nonetheless!

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