As for Vineman – the swim and the bike  were okay but the run was cruel beyond description.  I’ve never experienced so much pain in my life as I did that first mile of the run.  I spent the first mile just chanting “just make it to the 1st aid station – come on, you can do it” but mostly telling myself that it would be okay to turn around, turn in my chip and call it day.  But I got to the 1st aid station so I made myself go to the 2nd.  At that point the stretching was making my neck go out and the pain washed over every muscle cell, flogging it like an executioner with a cat ‘o 9 tails warming up the condemned.    I thought about doing a U-turn and then reminded myself that I had committed to  spend 3 miles trying to get my legs under me so I tarried on.  Once I got the 3rd aid station I fired up the Jedi mind tricks – go to mile 4 and you’re home free – you ran 9 miles 2 weeks ago – you can do this!  And on I went and once I got to mile 4 I figured even a U-turn would involve 8 miles of locomotion so I might was well just keep going.  And I did.  3 hrs and 3 minute after I left T2 I finished.  Worst race of my life but under the circumstances not quitting was a major triumph so yay for me!

But that’ s  not the blog thing I’m talking about.  I’m talking about  blogging  and time.  Not that it’s been months since I posted but that  it’s been years since I started doing this.  I just finally took a look at my Bloglines and many of my fave blogs had double digit unread marks approaching 100. I went and read an old favorite, Laid off Dad and he’s talking about how his youngest son likes to ride his bike and run stuff over and I was struck by how the passage of time never fails to deliver a sucker punch.  When I started blogging,  Laid off Dad really was laid off (he is no more), he was married and had 1 small son. Then another one was on the way and then son #2 (named 2Bert since his brother’s name is Robert) arrived, then the marriage hung a left and dissolved (the wife is a big name blogger, too and that may or may not be causative – LoD is too much the gentleman to have ever told), and now Robert writes comic books and 2Bert plays demolition derby on his bike.

I might wonder how that happened but I know how it happens.  Time goes by leaving us staring in the mirror,  squinting to inspect our  wrinkles and grey hairs.  And then it keeps happening – over and over and over again – sucker punch after sucker punch.

I guess the message here is that stuff is kicking my ass.  My job (and I do have a regular, full time job with a regular pay check), my training, my races, and time.  I guess I’d better get my ass in shape so it can take it.

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1).  I was tagged by Juls with the Sunshine Blogger award

I’m supposed to tag 10 other people and tell them that I did that. Only problem is I’m kind of out of the blogging loop so I’m tagging you all and thanking Julie for thinking of me.  Here are the rules:

• Add the logo to your blog
• Pass the “Sunshine Award” to 10 bloggers
  • Link to your nominees within your blog post
  • Let them know by commenting on their blog

I’m sorry I’m not doing a better job of playing along but at least getting this award prompted me to create a post and that’s  something, right?

2).  My friend Cindy won the swag for the not-an-internet raffle.  I made a spreadsheet and had as many lines for each person as they got based on their contribution level.  Then I used a random number generator and it gave me a number and the person whose name was on that line won.  And that was Cindy which made me very happy and it made her happy, too!

3).  I got a job.  A real job. The kind that pays a salary and has benefits and stuff.  Very excited about that.  I will start on March 8.

4).  Oceanside is in 28 days.  Holy Hell.  I’ve been benched since the end of December on and off so the training has been sporadic at best.  It’s an ITB problem and it’s getting better but, as anyone who has had one of these issues knows – it’s an on-going battle.  PT, foam roller, ice, ibuprofen and rest.  I’m doing it all.  The PT told me that I can’t inflict permanent damage by training through it (and he said most triathletes do) so I’m going to train with pain and treat it after and just do what I can do.

5). I love Chipotle.  Really love it.  My new favorite dish is the chicken burrito bowl with 1/2 the rice, black beans, pico de gallo, hot sauce, guac, cheese and lettuce.  That’s about 690 calories and Jimmy Crack Corn and I don’t care.  Delicious!

6). Did I mention that Oceanside is in 28 days and I’m not ready? I guess I did.  Oh well – it will be what it will be.

7).  I am so ready for the Olympics to be done.  Fie on you NBC for not airing stuff until 8 PM.  Could you not have started at 6:00 so you got your prime time slot but so we could have gotten to bed at a decent hour?  My god.  I know 6-8 is news stuff but I think most people would have been happy with greatly compressed news during this important time of obsession with sports about which we know almost nothing.  I mean come on!

8). It’s starting to be light out until 6:00!! At the end of March when we change the clocks life will be bliss again. Can’t wait!

There was more… oh so much more.  And now I’ve forgotten and that’s okay.  I’m sure you have better things to do than read this.

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Athletes can reflect on a year of training and racing and assess it for progress, for inspiration, for opportunities to deal with disappointment, injuries, triumphs and lessons learned.   January 1 is everyone’s time to put down the cookies and candy and pick up the barbells, put on the running shoes and step up to the opportunity of making this year the best one yet.

For some of us, making 2010 better than 2009 isn’t much of a challenge.  I wouldn’t say my 2009 was horrible but it has put me in a fairly precarious place such that 2010 WILL be the year I do something beyond hoping for a great job and farting around training while I await a miracle. I’m happy to say that I read a few status updates today that reminded me that for some people 2009 was a great year. People who had their first child, did their first Ironman (myself included), got a great new job and a beautiful new home -  lots of people had a fine, fine year.    Lots of people did not so here’s to some economic recovery in 2010 and shiny New Year for All!

I have captured my athletic year in graphics:

Hours trained per month

Miles per discipline per month

Swim, Bike, Run distance/pace

So I trained a bunch and the run and the swim are better and the bike – hard to say. It doesn’t look so good on the chart but there are extenuating factors so it looks like the line is effectively flat.  A little disappointing but it’s okay because I found something more interesting.  Here are my training volumes in miles per month over the last 3 years:

2007 Training volumes (note the scale on the left)

Yearly Log 2008

Yearly Log 2009

I don’t know how easy it is to see but on the 2007 chart the ‘distance’ axis goes up to 140 miles and on the 2009 chart it goes to 500 miles.  The 2008 chart goes to 400 miles.  This proves that I have come to love my bike instead of fearing it and of all of things I have accomplished that is one of my favorites.

Wow – boring.  Moving on.

I did an iron distance race this year.  That should be my favorite thing and in many ways it is but more favorite than that was what happened in the process.  I got stronger, I got more confident and I made new friends.  So that was the best part.  I got to share that day with my first born and her husband and that was also the best part.  I finished the race in spite of being in a state of discomfort and that’s admirable but what’s better than that is that there was never a doubt in my mind or my heart that I wouldn’t finish that race.  I knew I could I do it – I knew that.  And that’s the best part of all.

I have to finish cleaning up my desk t make it New Year Ready.  2010 is going to be dramatic and good because I’m going to make it that way either by landing a job I’ve been working on for months or, failing that, something else.  Something good.  And I know I can do it – there isn’t a doubt in my mind or in my heart.

Happy New Year!

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Saturday’s Ride:

It wasn’t quite as hairy as that elevation chart makes it look but it was hard enough. I kept up with the group until we got to that little pointy thing right before the big climb. Then I just fell back and could not keep up. Toward the top a guy was nice enough to come back down to get me and let me suck off his back wheel until we caught up with my guardian angels Dana and Maggs. By then I was shot because although I had a bottle of Infinit on me it only had 300 calories in it and I was too busy keeping up to drink very often so by the time we got to the top of the climb, 35 miles into the ride I’d consumed a whopping 100 calories (on top of a bowl of oatmeal before I left the house). Not good. I was D.O.N.E after that ride. Shot.

Too bad I had already decided to run 18 miles on Sunday and committed to meeting Dana to do it. There was no turning back so we met at 8:00 and off we went. Just to show you how deceptive elevation charts are over distance this is what it looked like:

That run is fundamentally flat. You know you are going slightly down on the way out and slightly up on the way back but it’s really flat. We were doing great for the first 15 or 16 miles, constantly calling out 9:15! time to slow down as we checked our pace but by mile 16 I was done. I had to stop repeatedly and catch my breath but I refused to walk very much. Just can’t handle it. Running time was 3:09 for a 10:28 pace but reality was 3:35 for an almost 12 minute pace. That included stopping at Whole Foods to use the bathroom and stopping several times to fill water bottles.

But none of that is the interesting part of the story. The interesting part pertains to my performance at the Nike Women’s Half last weekend. As you may recall, I ran that race in 2:10:41 which is a very reasonable pace, particularly considering that the course looks like this:

Elevation Nike Women's 1/2

That elevation map counts – that’s a tough run.

Anyhow…. Wednesday night we had a board meeting for my race club and when I got there someone congratulated me on the race and said, “You’re a real runner now”. I fairly glowed with pride. Then on Sunday I went to a party of people from my race club and another guy, a man quite famous for busting ‘em off on everybody remarked, “You’re not slow any more”. Oh man. Oh man, oh man, oh man. That was so nice to hear.

And on the wings of my newly bloated ego I will keep training – for nothing. Because I can and because it works. I really does.

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The Tri for Real in Pleasanton, Ca is my “A” race because this is where it all started for me. I don’t have pictures of me doing it in 2000 on a Schwinn Varsity 10 speed but I do have the official results and my time was 2:31.05 and I placed 254 out of 260 women. 3 “men” came in behind me. One was 11 years old, 1 was limping pretty badly and the other one was grossly overweight. I hated that race and swore that I’d rather run a marathon every day of my life rather than ever do another triathlon.

In 2005 I started blogging and I bumped into Jeanne’s blog and that lead me to Bold’s blog (he retired so no link) and consequently a whole host of triathlon blogs and that opened up the world of triathlon to me again and so in 2006 I decided to give this race another try. I was cool – I had a hybrid bike, spd pedals and I owned a cycling jersey. I finished in what I was sure was 2:11 but there was no entry for me on the results sheets. I spoke with the RD and ultimately they decided I finished in 2:08. Whatever.

The other thing that happened at that race was that the volunteers were from Forward Motion Race Club and they seemed like such nice people and it seemed like it would be really fun to race and train with locals so I joined. That was a good move because in 2007 I did 6 triathlons (Wildflower, Tri for Fun, Folsom International, Tri for Real, Bethel Island and SOMA quarterman). I was hooked. In early 2007 I bought a fancy carbon bike, I bought team kit, I bought a wetsuit and so it goes.

This year I raced less but I raced better finishing my first 70.3 (Vineman) in 6:55 with a little help from my friend Jenny Moore who watched the time and made sure we came in under 7 hours. I had way too much fun at that race (see last set of pics). I also did Tri for Real again with the goal of coming in under 2 hours. Mission accomplished – with a smile on my face.

I’m already signed up for Oceanside 70.3 for April 4, 2009 and there’s really no telling what next year may bring.

Tri for Real 2006 - ROOKIE!

Tri for Real 2007 - In Team Kit!

Tri for Real 2008 - More Fun, Less Fat!

Vineman 70.3 2008

Vineman Finish

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As usual this will not be your standard “work up at 4, had a cup of coffee, pooped, loaded the car….” race report. I leave those to Steve Stenzel (if you haven’t watched his latest video you must) and Amanda Lovato. When it comes to poop posts they are the pros!

So here’s my race report:

Night before Prep: 2 Sammies from Quiznos (Sonoma Turkey and Bistro Steak Melt) and a cup of broccoli/Cheese soup) Perfect.

Pre-Race:

1).Did the packet pickup, put numbers on bike and race belt and forgot to put my number on my helmet – oops. I guess I’ll have to find my pictures in the lost and found section when they come out. I think we all know that for me, the race is all about the pictures. I WILL find them.

2). Why is is so damned hard to get a wetsuit on? And why is it that no matter how much BodyGlide I use on my neck I always, always, always get a wetsuit hickey? So annoying.

Swim:
1). I used anti-fog spray in my goggles for the first time and could see the WHOLE TIME! I didn’t have to stop once to clear my goggles and I didn’t bump into a single kayak. So awesome!

2). At this race last year I had a major cramping problem when I came out of the water. You have to run over river rock to get out and once I stood up my right leg cramped up so painfully that I fell down and sat there screaming for help. I got none and it took 2 attempts and 2 or 3 minutes to be able to use my leg and get out of there. I was SO hoping that didn’t happen this year so I took extra Potassium the day before, drank a double dose of Nuun on the ride up and ate a banana in the morning and was very careful to keep my feet relaxed during the swim. I felt fine as I got to the finish but alas….

3). My swim went well. I let the pack go at the beginning so I didn’t freak out or hyperventilate going too fast but I caught up to the middle of the pack by the turn around and passed a few people on the way back. My legs were relaxed and I felt good and as I came out the water I just stood up and started to go for it and then… next thing I knew -KABLAM! I had a giant cramp and fell down. ARRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! I sat there pulling back on my toes with people running around me asking – “are you okay” and saying “whoa – look at that!” because my foot was so contorted. Fortunately a course marshall stepped in and gave me a hand up so that I could stand without putting pressure on it until my leg was straight. I thanked him and off I went.

Time 29:00 compared to 33 last year. I hit T1 happy as could be under the circumstances.

T1: good enough and I’m out of there, minus my Garmin. I did have a stop watch with laps so I could capture my time (sort of). I only show 35 seconds. So Swim + T1 = 30:07. Not bad.

Bike:

1). I had forgotten to re-set my bike computer so I attempted to do that while on the ride. The problem is that because of my clip on aero bars it’s hard to get both buttons at once and it’s kind of a 2 hand operation. I almost biffed it big time and started to run off the bike path into the weeds. It was a perilous, wobbly moment in which I could have crashed and had a very bad start to my race. I left well enough alone and just focused on riding.

2). Last year I got passed often and constantly. This year, not so much. My goal was not to get passed by anyone in my age group.

3). No such luck. It took them about 10 and 12 miles to do it but I got passed by 2 women in my division. One of them had the audacity to pass me going downhill and say “Whheeeee!” as she did it. I wanted to kill her. I tried to stay on her and even passed her at one point but alas, she got away from me.

4). You know that old rule about always have your own water? It’s a good one. Last year they handed out water bottles at the 1/2 way point so I counted on that. I had my aero bottle full of Infinit but that was all. This year – no water. So that was a drag but since I had the Infinite I was okay and I did take in the entire 300 calories on the ride. Lesson learned – always take a water bottle.

5). Aero bottles with those mesh things suck. I wore at least 50 calories of Infinite on my glasses and handlebars so make that 250 calories downed on the ride. I need a cap for my aero bottle.

6). I saw a woman fixing a flat and I called out “do you have everything you need” and she called “my pump is broken” and I started to stop and then, for some reason, I decided that she said she was fine (I swear I heard her say “I’m fine- thanks”) and I kept going. I know that wasn’t true because after the race the announcer said “to the guy who gave up his bike pump -you can pick it up at the stage”. I feel like such a heel and I’m so sorry. I should have just stopped and handed her my pump. SORRY! I hope that next guy, the nice one, wasn’t too far behind me.

Ride time: 1:23 which works out to 18 mph. GO ME! Last year I DREAMED of hitting 17 and didn’t come close. Much better. 15 minute improvement over last year.

T2: less that 2:29 which is what the watch says but I forgot to hit the lap button for a while. Nothing of note except that not every single person from my race club was done already as was the case last year. I was very happy about that.

Run:

1). It was hot but it was okay. I just kept chugging along and was pulling sub 10 min miles for a while. My Garmin which I picked up in T2 and spent way too long getting on, kept telling me I was running 12:35 or 11:55 or some such nonsense and I’m starting to hate it. I had to hold it up to the sky to get it to register half the time. So annoying.

2). I did slow down toward the end as it starts to go uphill but I did okay and I passed a woman in my age group. I passed a lot of people and I was happy about that. I was also just cooked by the end as in ‘stick a fork in me – I’m done and I don’t think I’ll EVER race again”. However – last year I got passed just before the finish by a woman in my division and I let her go. She beat me by 18 seconds and I was NOT going to let that happen again so I really pushed it.

3). 3 women from my club where at the finish cheering me. I can’t tell you how much that warmed my heart. I’m going to send them an email and thank Julie and Caroline and Kimberly – you’re the best!

Total time: ~1:05 which is not what I wanted but not too bad.

Update – Official results 10 out of 18 in the 50 – 59 division (6 out of 13 in the 50 – 54)

Swim 0:29:29.5
T1 2:20.2
Bike 1:23:29.1
T2 1:29.5
Run 1:05:35.1
Finish 3:02:23.3

I don’t know what I did to my watch but obviously something is off.

Conclusion:

I ran under the finish clock when it said 3:32 and my wave went off 30 minutes after the start. My watch said 3:00:43 and I didn’t really put 2 and 2 together in that moment. I knew I had 30+ minute PR and I was happy but in a second I went from wanting a big PR to wanting a sub 3 hour finish. When I saw my official time of 3:02 I was disappointed because my watch said 3:00 and I liked that better. And then I was disappointed that I spent time messing with gadgets because that alone cost me a minute, I’m sure. And if only I had picked it up here and there I could have had my sub 3:00 finish. The big problem is that I will not do this race next year because that cramping business is just too unpleasant so now I have no chance to redeem myself.

Please – feel free to slap me into reality I had a 31 minute PR on an Olympic distance race and that is cause for celebration not remorse. I guess I’ll just have to make up on the New York Triathlon or the Nations Triathlon next year. Yeah – that’s it. There’s always next year. And there’s Sept 21 when I will do my “A” race which is a sprint and I WILL go all out.

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How to Prepare for a race:
1). Go for a 45 minute bike ride on Thursday and find yourself going 15 – 16 mph holding back. Not that it was easy letting those people pass you but you’re tough. Hold back
2). Go for a short brick run and find that even though you held back you were doing 10 minute miles
3). Swap out old ‘bug eyes’ Body Glove sunglasses for new, hot, sexy Rudy Project Rydon II’s

4). Remember that this is FUN! It’s fun!

Things not to do the day before the race:

1). Start freaking out again

I will remain calm… I will race hard… I will have fun!

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It happened while on a training ride where I was chatting with a guy who is very fast and very accomplished. He didn’t hand it to me and it didn’t just pop into my head right then. It came as a result of whatever conversation we had and truth be told I don’t really remember the content but I do remember how I felt. Later, on that same ride, I had a conversation with my favorite cycling leader that was a big part of what lead to me fixing my eating problems. She asked a very simple question that set me to a very positive bit of self examination.

What is this ‘word’ of which I speak? There is a writer who calls herself Oriah Mountaindreamer* who has written some books that I became aware of through Stronger. These books are meant to help people discover the source of their inner drive, their being, their joy. I haven’t read these books but both Stronger and Phoenix have talked about her book The Call – Discovering Why You are Here in which she says

Remember- there is one word you are here to say with your whole being.
When it finds you, give your life to it. Don’t be tight-lipped and stingy.

Spend yourself completely on the saying.
Be one word in this great love poem we are writing together.

Stronger’s word is, of course, Stronger because she spent a long time developing the strength to escape a very bad relationship – and she won. She is stronger for her and stronger for her children. Phoenix came to understand that her word, at the time she found it, was Empower. She wrote her post about her word in September of 2007 and along with the happiness I felt for her because she had this new insight into why she trained and raced I felt a twinge of jealousy. What was my word and how would I find it? I knew enough to know that you don’t go hunting for your word – you just open yourself up to the notion that your word exists and then sit and wait for it to come to you.

My word is – Affirmation. After years of doing all sorts of things right, of making friends and doing good work, and raising fabulous children and being an honored volunteer and putting some good kharma out into the world I have finally come to a place where the endless, mean spirited, destructive self deprecation I’m so prone to just seems wrong. I’ve always been one to give affirmation to others, cheerleading and trying to help them see their goodness and the positive results of their own work but I consistently failed to do the same for myself. Most positive feedback from others has, to date, been met with skepticism and an “aw shucks, thanks but really it was nothing” when in fact it was something.

So how does a perfectly nice, good, kind, caring person develop so much self hatred? I really hate to do this because it is so cliché but I have to lay this particular pile of doo at my dearly departed mother’s door step. Sorry Mom! I know you didn’t mean to but boy, did you. I think the reason I’ve taken so long to write this up is because I thought I was going to have to tell you about the terrible things my mother said to me. About how she transferred her poor self image and body issues directly to me when I got a little chubby as a kid. I thought I would have to tell you that in a misguided effort to get me to slim down she would say things like, “people just don’t like fat girls” and that I believed her with all my heart and soul and I just knew that when new people met me their first thought was, “EW!! – Gross!” and that I still have to battle that feeling almost every day. Whenever I have a personal interaction that doesn’t feel totally warm and loving regardless of who it is with I’m always pretty sure it’s because my ass is too big. And there’s more – so much more but really it doesn’t matter. What matters is that in finding my word I’ve finally picked a battle that I can win and in winning my battle I win my mental, spiritual, emotional and physical health.

Letting your word lead the way isn’t magic and it isn’t automatic – it is a perpetual and iterative process. I took a nasty swipe at myself just the other night in a room full of people and completely discounted myself as an athlete. Not doing that is still a real struggle but now that I’m focusing on affirmation instead of deprecation I see the snide commentary for what it is – a poop sandwich. And I am an athlete. Unlike last year when I greeted every planned workout with so much self defeat I just skipped half of them, I am now adhering to the plan and deriving the benefits. I feel great and I look great and I can almost say that without embarrassment or fear of reprisal from others who would surely respond by saying, “meh – you look okay but you could stand a lose a few pounds and really – you’re kind of slow to call yourself an athlete”. That now sounds as ridiculous to me as it does to you but it’s been a long time coming.

Hanging on to the word and what it means both about me and about how I need to be in the world isn’t easy. Every day I have to fight a sense of rejection that comes with being unemployed and single. I have to stop asking “why doesn’t anyone want me?” and keep asking “Who do I want? What do I want? How do I get it?” and I have to believe that I deserve to have it and that it’s out there and that I can make it mine. And I do – pretty much… most of the time… more often than not. See what I mean? Not easy, but definitely worth the effort.
————

*”While studying and participating in shamanic ceremonies, Oriah received the spiritual name “Mountain Dreamer” and was told that the name meant “one who likes to push the edge.”"

note – she’s toned it down a bit and is now going by Oriah.

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